“Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love.” ~ George Eliot

The Desperate Search for Love: Part II

We often get mad if people don’t acknowledge our emotions; if they don’t give us permission to feel whatever it is we are feeling – even if our feelings are unhealthy and unworthy of us. And I guess I desperately needed to feel all my emotions without censoring myself and without feeling like I had no right to express myself – like I did all throughout my childhood years. (If you’ve missed Part I, you can read it here)

I needed to feel it all: apathy, guilt, fear, shame, anger, lust, pride, hatred… you name it. I had to feel it all – as an act of rebellion against all those who told me: ‘hush hush, keep it all inside of you!’, but also as an act of self-love.

And I did!

I felt it all so deeply and passionately, that when the time came for me to let it all go; to rise above it so that I can return to my safe place of inner peace and happiness, I could no longer do it! (In case you missed it, check out The Desperate Search for Love: Part I)

I was stuck!

Freedom isn’t always free

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything.” ~ 1 Corinthians 6:12

If there is one thing we all treasure, that is our freedom: to do, have and be whatever we want. But the thing about freedom is that it requires a great deal of discernment, and responsibility. 

If you have no discernment… if you’re lacking in the self-responsibility department, you cannot call yourself free – even in the midst of all freedom. And I wasn’t free!

Although I had written an entire book on the subject of happiness and the 15 things we all need to give up in order to be happy, I was still bound to most of them. I was still a captive of the past and all those who have left deep wounds on my psyche – even though I was under the illusion of being free. 

I wanted to feel my emotions, to express my anger and hatred, thinking and believing that in doing so, I will feel better. I will be free. But as St. Paul warned us in his letter to the Corinthians, I have the right to do anything, and I would also add, to feel anything. But not everything is beneficial.

I have the right to do anything. But unlike St. Paul, I was mastered by anything. I was mastered by my own moods, toxic thoughts and poisonous feelings.

It was no longer I who was in control of them, but they who were controlling and making a fool of me!

“Thus it is said: The path into the light seems dark, the path forward seems to go back, the direct path seems long, true power seems weak, true purity seems tarnished, true steadfastness seems changeable, true clarity seems obscure, the greatest are seems unsophisticated, the greatest love seems indifferent, the greatest wisdom seems childish. The Tao is nowhere to be found. Yet it nourishes and completes all things.” ~ Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

What first seemed like a good idea, had now turned into a nightmare that I could no longer hide, run away from, or escape – no matter how hard I tried. For I had become trapped by my own madness, my own anger and my own hatred. 

This is what happens when you play with fire… you get burned – no matter how smart you may think you are. And I was burning!

‘What am I doing to myself?’ I would often ask myself while lying on the floor crying my eyes out.

‘What have I done?

When did I become this monster of a person?  When did I start believing that hatred is a good idea? I used to be so innocent, and kind and loving. And now… What happened to me? Where did my innocence go? Where is my kindness, my ability to love… where is my power to forgive?’

They all felt like a distant memory to me. Something I once knew and felt, but no longer possessed… And I struggled…

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” ~ Rumi

Day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year I felt as though I was sinking deeper and deeper into the depths of hell. Like there was nothing I could do to stop this fall. And eventually, I got so tired of fighting and resisting against myself and my own hateful thoughts, and poisonous feelings, that I simply surrendered. 

‘You want to hate, Lumi, hate! 

Hate them all!

Let all these monsters out and don’t blame yourself for it. Feel whatever you are feeling – without shame and without guilt – and know that I am here for you. I am tired of trying to control you, to tell you what to feel and what not.

You are free! Let it all out. Express yourself.

I no longer judge you. I no longer condemn you. I love you. I understand you.

You’ve been through hell because of them. And it’s normal for you to feel this pain. It’s normal to feel this way! But I want you to remember that none of this is who you truly are. None this is really you! You are far greater than all your thoughts and feelings. Far greater than all this hate…’

Stay tuned for part III.

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