“As long as Man continues to search for love ‘out there’, he will fail to realize that love is always where he is, and always who he is. You are not meant to search for love, but rather to lean into love… to rest into love… to surrender yourself fully to love and realize that you and love are One, not two.” ~ Luminița D. Saviuc

Search for Love

I have always had this deep longing for love. I wanted to love and be loved; to feel truly seen and safe in simply Be-ing who I truly am. And although this is what I always wanted more than anything in the world, I never really got it. 

I never really received the love I desperately longed for. 

‘Why can’t I make this happen?’ I would often ask myself.
‘I know this love exists. So why can I have it? Why can’t I make it happen?
What am I doing wrong?’

I wanted to know what was it about me that made love so difficult. What was it about me that made love feel as though it was just an illusion.

But I never really got an answer.

I never really found out why love was running away from me – even though I was trying so hard to be good for love. And why, although my whole being was thirsty for love, I kept getting the exact opposite of what I said I wanted. 

The Desperate Search for Love

“Those that go searching for love only make manifest their own lovelessness, and the loveless never find love, only the loving find love, and they never have to seek for it.” ~ D.H. Lawrence

For years and years I gave myself to a world that seemed to look, not at me, but through me. I gave my all to people, places, things and experiences that left me feeling ashamed, alone, distressed, unloved and oh, so unworthy.

Being the obedient child I was forced into becoming, I tried real hard to please the world, thinking and believing that in doing so, I will eventually feel whole, worthy, accepted and loved. That’s how I became a people pleaser – giving more than asked and losing myself in ‘the service of the world’.

But none of that really helped me in my search for love. On the contrary. It only led me farther and farther away from love, loving and being loved. And eventually, after what seemed like a lifetime of poor choices and endless misery, I got sick and tired of watching myself go through the same patterns- over and over, and over again – making the same mistakes and end up in the same disturbing relationships that left me feeling unworthy, lost, insecure, lonely, and never enough. And I said to myself:

‘Enough is enough! I can’t live like this anymore.
I can’t waste my time, my energy and my life on something that leads me nowhere good. 
I just can’t! I have to stop!’

And I did.

I turned my back on men – from where most of my pains and traumas came from and I decided to go on a different path. To do things differently – for the first time in my life – and find out that One place where love truly resides, so that I can finally feel safe and at peace, in my body, my environment and in the realm of time.

That’s when I started hating men… with all my heart!

Screw kindness. Screw love, forgiveness, and goodness, and love.

I no longer cared about any of those things. I no longer wanted to censor myself. I desperately needed to let it all out for the first time in my life and feel my feelings freely.

And I did.

I hated men like I never knew I could hate anyone. And it felt so good. It felt so liberating to allow myself to feel all that rage, anger and pain, pain that has always been hidden deep within me, but covered up by the many beliefs and ideas about how I should think, feel and live my life.

I filled my whole being with hatred and I held onto this hatred as if it was my greatest treasure. But you know what they say, resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. And I drank that poison like it was a magic potion. Not realizing that I was about to fall into the depths of hell.

When fighting monsters…

“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster… for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.” ~ Friedrich W. Nietzsche

Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster… for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.

In thinking that I was doing myself a favor, by expressing all that hatred and feeling whatever I was feeling, I got swallowed by darkness. And before I knew it, I became the monster I passionately hated and despised.

I became so unhappy…

Me, the PurposeFairy who wrote a whole book about things you should give up to be happy, I had turned into what felt like the most unhappy person in the whole world.

And why?

Because I was hating and holding onto all those 15 things I knew for sure were keeping me from feeling safe, loved and happy.

The irony… 

And from that moment onwards, I didn’t want to go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything out of fear of poisoning everything and everyone with my presence. All I wanted was to be left alone and go through my own hell, in peace.

In Part II, I’ll share with you my struggle to rise above my hatred and the overwhelming feelings of shame and guilt that came with feeling such distressing and dark emotions. And how I decided to simply surrender to the state I was in and no longer punish myself for being human and feeling the way I did.

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